EGAD! The end is here. How can that be? What do you mean one semester is only three months?

I think my feelings are best summed up through this quick little poem I conjured up:

I hold onto time desperately
I’m not so sure why
There’s something so comforting about holding onto the past
-maybe I’m over-sentimental
I closely clutch onto even the smallest memories
like a child with their blanket
Maybe I’m scared they’ll disappear.

Then again,
sometimes I wonder if I look into the future too much
Maybe I do that because I’m scared of the unknown
I need an explanation of what could and can happen
To make sense of things I’m uncertain about
To prepare myself from disappointment and hurt

Somewhere in the middle of these two paths
I feel lost
trapped between a purgatory of what isn’t quite the past
Or the future
I violently oscillate, as they pull me back and forth

It doesn’t feel like I exist in the moment
The present to me, feels frozen
Yet somehow, it dissolves through my fingers
And disappears from my hands

I have no idea if this made any sense, but essentially, I feel overwhelmed by time. It is such a limited resource, and just thinking about how fleeting it is gives me a mini panic attack. That’s why I sometimes feel like I dwell too much in the past. I desperately do this in attempts of not forgetting the moments that exist within it. I try so hard to grasp onto time, but it doesn’t wait for me, it moves on. In theory, I have hours upon hours of time, but I just don’t understand how it manages to move so quickly.

Yet there’s other times were I feel too fixated on the future. Often, I’m consumed by cynical thoughts about the future, and I think I do this as a way to “prepare” myself for what I believe is inevitable failure.

In both cases, I fail to look at the present; I just push it to the side. I instead reside in something that is a byproduct of the fears and worries I have from the past and the future. This internal conflict ends up making me feel so anxious and I end up crawling into fetal position.

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Where does this small rant fall into place within the context of English class you may ask?

Yes, I feel like I’ve learnt a lot of beneficial, “academically” orientated concepts in Eng109, such as analyzing and utilizing rhetorical appeals as well as how to properly conduct research. Skills that I believe will be useful in future classes for sure. But the most thing valuable aspect of this class for me was how it was able to allow me to focus on the present moment. I didn’t get caught up in the past, nor did I worry about the future in the 50 minutes I was there. I instead focused on enjoying my time through the cool videos we watched (like Txting is killing language, JK), the engaging conversations we had (about topics like democracy and Indigenous People’s rights) and the opportunities to interact with classmates. All things in which I can genuinely say I loved.

I came to ENG109 with pretty low expectations, considering it was a mandatory course-and those generally have a bad reputation as being “boring,” but man, I was completely wrong. I’ll be honest, the take-home assignments were a little stressful (mostly due to my procrastination 😦 ), going to English class in itself for 50 minutes every Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays actually felt fulfilling  and was a definite stress reliever.

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So what is my advice for first year students? It’s simply to keep an open mind! If you don’t allow pre-conceived notions of the course to weigh you down, I guarantee it will be all the more better and all the more fun!

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