Squelch. That’s the sound of my head imploding. Now that my brain’s about the consistency of lukewarm applesauce, Life’s taken me on as an art project: steadily scooping out a spoonful at a time and fondling thoughts. She engages this sick game of hedonism, giggling while She spreads it around with grubby fingers, much akin to the way a child does paint.
School assignments wear heavy boots-the steel-toe, construction type; I can only assume that the repeated kicks to my chest are what jolts my heart into spasmodic palpitations and keeps this body in motion (albeit sometimes robotic in nature).
You know, I should probably be studying for that midterm next week…but look at me: the dull cyan light of my monitor casting shadows under the bags of my eyes, heavily caffeinated and slouched on the sofa, struggling to string together a bunch of broken ideas and reflect on my university experience. I’m grasping at knowledge, like pieces of shrapnel, and trying to stuff them into the holes laden throughout my body; but it cuts, with serrated edges digging deeper. Hollows have grown to elephantine proportions; I’ll have to polish up that shrapnel if I wish it to imbue my gaping apertures with anything of significance.
This brings me to my first bout of reflection…
Through some trial and error, I’m learning to gestate information and derive nutrients (meaning). It’s kind of a life-shattering revelation: my experience in school has transformed from observing in an inept institution into this grotesque entity of self-actualization.
An image to illustrate my immediate response to the transformation of academia
Balancing life and studies has proven difficult. I’ve come to realize that perhaps spending 40 hours huddled over an enormity of blank canvas and screaming at my pencils isn’t realistic, nor is it the most efficacious endeavor (my mind proves obstinate when it’s running on caffeine and conjectures). Think about trying to balance barefoot on a needle while juggling all of your responsibilities both in and outside of academia (try to remember to eat at least once a day, and coffee doesn’t serve as adequate substitute for water-even if you drink those 8 cups a day). You’d think by now I’d be starting to build up some time-management skills, but that’s not exactly accurate; you see, I’m not quite adept in this concept of time and one of the many perks of being an insomniac is that it affords me the ability to procrastinate twice as long as people who actually sleep at night.
Adulting’s hard. I’ve noted a lack of direction in assignments in contrast to my high school experience (hooray for freedom?). Previous years have brought me to the edge of a cliff, university gave me a shove and now I’m free-falling; but they forgot to give me a parachute. Figure it out they said, but there’s not enough time, nor any materials to build anything substantial before my carcass splatters and innards bestrewn.
Most often (I’m doing it now), following the completion of an assignment I review it and ask myself, “is this good? “. I look over the given descriptions and feel that I don’t follow them closely; I notice my tangents and try to cleanse the piece of my verbal diarrhea. As much as I try to quiet that reckless passion, I find it snaking its way through my diction and into my paragraphs. The general response to my work is a resounding face palm; incessant voices whispering and humming: you’ve spent 5 hours staring at your work and trying to fix it…all you’ve done is molded a piece of shit into a piece of shit that resembles a better piece of shit. Oh well, time’s up…make like a monkey and hurl it.
I had a plan when I enrolled in university, but now it’s obscured by perceived inadequacies. I’ve secured projection dunce hat and sit silently in the corner, leaving footnotes of uncertainty at the bottom of pages. My life is a series of neglected probably should’s and the abandonment of reasoning.
But that’s not to say that I’m completely oblivious to the inner-mechanisms at work while I slough through the unknown. Without divulging absurdity in detail, there has been a profound shift in my views towards analytical undertakings. I’m able to extract and infer a great detail; and I actually enjoy it. Reading through papers has become a delicate surgical procedure. The organs I procure can then be delicately observed and manipulated, and quite often transplanted into my own works.
I don’t readily articulate past experiences and I’ve tried to bury them, but I’ve learned, primarily through my writing and artwork, that digging that baggage up and examining it isn’t as frightening as I had initially conceived it to be. I can roll it around my tongue and weave it through my fingertips; I can put it down on paper. Reflecting and expressing myself through writing helps me continue to learn and look back on the progress I’ve made. All of my courses and their various assignments teach me something, besides the ability to regurgitate facts (I’m well-versed in that respect).
I’m most looking forward to continuing to explore art and interpretation as I’m starting to shape and strengthen my voice and my opinions and as I’m beginning to understand myself more through investigation and explanation. It’s a nebulous expedition that I hadn’t anticipated, not simply defined by it’s ups and downs; it’s sideways and zigzagging and trying to make sense of it all.
I’m the kid trying to force the square peg into the circular hole; if I push hard enough I could probably wear down the edges enough to make it fit…or I’ll just figure out some way around it.
Your post just got me like “whoa!”. I say this because it is so damn accurate and I sometimes feel the same way too. You would be surprised how many people look like they have it all under control, and are actually breaking down on the inside. I believe more people should speak out just the way you did, brilliantly of course.
The way you described each situation and your responses in them were very well written and easily comprehensible by an audience. I am sorry that you had a plan when you started university and how it has now been affected with the realities. This happened to me too, but I am not beating myself about it simply because it is beyond my control. Well, most of it is anyway. I stopped stressing about things I could not control, and that has greatly helped me deal with situations at the present. A lot of the times I think I have done great on an assignment and then the grade says otherwise. Although this upsets me initially, I don’t let it get into my emotions that deep because how on earth is that going to change the grade? Simply work harder next time!
“My life is a series of neglected probably should’s and the abandonment of reasoning.” Again, I am glad you were honest about what you were feeling, and I sincerely hope you find your way around this. I hope the kid in you finds a way to force the square in a circular hole. After all, PIZZA IS A CIRCLE THAT COMES IN A SQUARE BOX 🙂
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Glad you could relate. Uni’s definitely a learning curve; I’m still working on letting go of things that are out of my control (it’s hard when everything seems beyond my control).
And yes, the pizza analogy’s great. I’ll try to keep that in mind moving forward!
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WOW! Not only does your post describe some of the realities that face us as university students but it does so in a way that leaves the reader feeling the stress, exhaustion and confusion but also the exhilaration that comes when we actually finish something! Love the square peg in the circular hole and the idea of finding multiple solutions to fix one problem. Keep it up!
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Holy crap your analogies honestly rival George R. R. Martin’s, not gonna lie! They were so friggin’ good they made me question my own ability to relate 0.0 Your post painted a picture as clear as it could possibly be painted, especially since I understand some of your woes too. Your post also gave me a wake-up call too, I feel like I should reread this again…
because it’s so good ah
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Not much more for me to say – everyone captured it. I am in awe. You not only captured student life, but a profs as well! Boom!
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